My brother and I have never really seen eye to eye, a construct of family dynamics. As I listen to his latest iTunes/Spotify release, "Your God is an A*****e," I see that although we get along, nothing and everything has changed.

Oddly enough, we grew up in the same house with the same parents but were subject to entirely different experiences. I was raised to be cold and analytical like my father, while he took after my mother's creative side. We fall on different levels of the spectrum, with my brother being a near savant when it comes to music. He can pick up and instantly play an instrument, hear a song, and play it proficiently within minutes, while I have, up until recently, been stuck in the physical, left brain world, working as a mechanic and seeing only black and white.

Being creative and a little different, my brother was subject to my father's constant scrutiny, and it was hard to witness this kind of abuse, always feeling that love had to be earned or was in some way conditional.

My grandfather was Christian, old school fire and brimstone. My father rebelled from that, renouncing faith altogether, but that didn't stop grandpa from telling us Old Testament stories of a vengeful God that saved the righteous, punished the wicked and of a place called hell, ruled by an angel, cast out of heaven; a place we were destined for if our behavior was less than perfect. I was at the right age to absorb these teachings, and my brother, who was two years younger and only five when we moved away from them, had a different understanding. My father was indifferent and felt we would find our way in our own time.

During my teenage years, I explored Christianity, and throughout my life, it has been a love—hate relationship. To be honest, I've found that some of the worst examples of humanity can be found throughout the history of Christendom and within its walls to this day, and I really can't fault my brother for his point of view. While the Bible's teachings enamored me, I found some of the people sitting in the pews next to me to be quite distasteful. We were being taught not to pass judgment, but still, church gossip ran rampant, and many used the after-service socialization to make business deals and plot against others in the community and sometimes within the church.

In college, I took an elective course in the history of Catholicism, and this, along with a passion for all things historical, sparked a lifelong pursuit to explore the dark underpinnings of not only the Roman Catholic church but organized Christianity as a whole. The swelling of negativity I had toward the church and God for abandoning us and allowing this to happen drove me away from organized religion. The mere mention of God made me reel in disgust.

I found myself triggered by God.

Recently, residential schools have made the news. The picture above was taken before the church in McIntosh, near my home, was torn down. A beautiful memorial now stands on the site of the residential school, a school that has caused seemingly irreparable generational trauma, not only in this area but across the country in schools just like it. Unfortunately, this is just one of the latest atrocities uncovered in the last two millennia committed in the name of God. Crusades, inquisition, colonization, witch trials - this list is endless, but there is one thing they all have in common.

Human FEAR

I have realized in the last few years that God or Source or whatever you want to call this energy that flows in and around us is love. Fear is the absence and opposite of love, is a construct of the ego, and does not come from God but from the self. As I go deeper, I realize that we are all created in his image, as taught in the scriptures, and while it may not be to the letter, as God is the source of love, we are also the source because this divine spark is within us all.

Fear accounts for all of the evil things that humans do. My own life has been wrought with fear. Fear of failure and disappointing others kept me from exploring who I was truly meant to be; it kept me on a path that was not my own and from feeling the source of love within. My father's fear of the same and of not having "perfect" children may be the reason that caused him to lash out, to be controlling and critical, and I'm sure that this was passed to him from his father. Generational trauma is no joke and comes in many forms. The trauma inflicted on children in the residential schools echoes through time and, without an honest personal, internal dialogue, will continue for generations to come.

The fear felt by those in church caused them to be intolerant of behavior that wasn't in line with the dogma or the interpretation and implementation of the scriptures as the collective saw them, and this is the only way I can justify listening to "love thy neighbor" in service while knives flew about shortly afterward. Fear is also my only way to explain the genocide, murder, and complete stripping of pagan and indigenous faith throughout the world committed in the name of God by various denominations. It all stems from fear.

I have taken a stand to release the fear and all the trauma that comes with it because I realize that I can not make a better future if I live in the past. I have chosen to be mindful of my actions and words and consider how they affect others because we are the light and make this world better by creating small miracles every day.

This journey is personal and difficult, and while it can be shared, it can not be forced on another. Sadly, I can not force my brother to see what I see, as his life experience is his own, and we must all find our own way. My only hope is that through my example, a change might happen.

Grandpa always talked of Revelation and the second coming, and I feel that God has had many prophets and emissaries throughout recorded history, from Buddha to Dr. Martin Luther King. They all embody the "Christ Consciousness" and the beauty of being human is that we all have been gifted the choice to realize that the "Revelation" may be just a metaphor for the turbulence of spiritual awakening and and the "second coming" may not be the literal return of the savior because the consciousness is within us all. We have it within us to make the world a better place through our individual thoughts and actions.



You are free to choose.